Barcelona FC 1 - 1 Lazio SS
Goals -
Barcelona: Mahmutcehaijc 65'
Lazio: Paponi 90'

MoTM - Webó (Lazio)

Comments
We at the newsroom feel that it's time Barcelona's Mahmutcehaijc left the scoring to someone else. Besides the fact that we can't pronounce his name properly, it's also a pain in the *** to spell. From now on, everytime his name pops up, I shall be referring to him as "Mah...jc".

Manager Outlook
Two senior managers here. Two longtime tacticians. And they can't even find a way to provide entertaining football? No wonder their CVs are so long. We can't imagine a chairman being able to stand this style of football for long.

Captain Outlook
Two captains in goal? What's the game coming to? Don't captains lead by example around the pitch anymore instead of lazing in front of the goalmouth?

Clown
Lazio's Jimmy Smith thought it would be fun to give the referee a wedgie in the 30th minute. The MIB wasn't all too pleased and Lazio went one man down. Dock 'im his wages, gaffer!

AS Monaco 1 - 1 Olimpija

Goals -
Monaco: Baptista 81'
Olimpija: Srna 06'

MoTM - Baptista (Monaco)

Comments
If football matches were popularity contests, Monaco would lose hands down everytime. Not because Olimpija has a really popular manager, but because most managers want to shoot Monaco's gaffer. Otherwise, yet another utterly boring game. I could have turned on the telly, watch for the first 10mins, go do the laundry and return for the last 10mins. And I'd have missed nothing significant.

Manager Outlook
Did I mention if football matches were beauty contests, Monaco would still lose? Jorge Maurinho's a fair looking bloke (We Americans all are) but the Monaco manager is positively hideous. We could have sworn that the cameramen was trying hard not to focus on his face when panning the Monaco bench. For that, we are thankful.

Number Jumble
What kind of manager gives his players the jersey numbers 60, 70, 81 and 91? Some tradition please, Olimpija? This ain't the lottery.

Glasgow Rangers 4 - 0 Dnipro Dnipropetrowsk

Goals -
Glasgow: Suomalainen 34', Toyoda 42', Boillot 46', Mhajlovic 70'

MoTM - Doknjas (Glasgow)

Comments
Thrashing! Why did Dnipro Dnipropetrowsk (Gahh hate this name. I'll call the Dodgy Dudes from now on) even bother to turn up? Panin was having a siesta in goal half the time while defender Abdas didn't even bother to turn up until after halftime and he still had two mismatched shoes. Criss P.Bacon may have thought his name funny, but his performance was more of a riot. The kind where they kill people.

Manager Outlook
Dodgy Dudes' manager Shrug Staciu had better stick to spamming the forums. While he's not much good at that either, at least he's not causing our eyes to bleed (wait, he is).

Clown
Taisuke Toyoda got his goal and his yellow card and decided that it'd be a nice story to tell his grandchildren as he completed his set with a red card.

Number Jumble
Bacon thought it'd be funny to steal his keeper's jersey and wear it in the outfield. No wonder the confused referee booked Panin the first time he made a save.

Etoile du Sahel 1 - 1 Ajax Amsterdam AFC

Goals -
Etoile: Silhavy 33'
Ajax: Picoto 72'

MoTM - Silhavy (Etoile)

Comments
Maybe we should kill a player at random from each club everytime there's a draw. It'd make them think twice before playing such a poor match and would probably make quite a spectacle.

Captain Outlook
Ajax captain Hoobs may need a name change if he's ever going to get married. His looks aren't helping either.

Clown
Ugo Bal got frustrated waiting for the kickoff. So frustrated in fact, that he started gnawing at the turf and ripping out chunks. The referee gave him a straight red for sabotaging the field of play before the game had even started!

Sidelines
There was much more to watch on the sidelines as Etoile brought along their Tunisian dancing girls to compete for attention with the Dutch cheerleaders. Unforunately, the bellydancers must have also been cannibals as the Dutch girls failed to show for the second half after a rigorous danceoff many agreed they had edged in the first half.

Celtic FC 0 - 1 Ferencvárosi TC

Goals -
Ferencvárosi - Ratajczak 63'

MoTM - Berg (Ferencvárosi)

Comments
One goal. That's what we get for watching 90 minutes of football. Maybe I should switch to NBA instead. 4 sentences, that's all you'll get for this match.

Manager Outlook
It must have been a cold day, for the managers were seen cuddling on the sidelines. Bobby and Ashley must be really great friends, to share a blanket like that.

Clown
If a guy's name is as strange as Yossi Offir, it's probably not a good idea to trust him. Sure enough, he nicked the referee's red card when he wasn't paying attention in the 66th minute and ran off the pitch.

Colo Colo 5 - 0 Sao Paulo

Goals -
Colo Colo: Vázquez 02', Rush 04', Acuna 08' 36', Sousa 18'

MoTM - Acuna (Colo Colo)

Comments
Sao Paulo manager Paul Jefferson must have wished he was back on the beaches of Brazil as his team let in 5 in the first half of the match. Goalkeeper Buffon must have been lost in a similar daydream as he made no move to save the first three shots that whizzed into his net in the opening 10mins. It wasn't until his captain John Jefferson (distant relation of the manager, third cousin twice removed on his mother's side) gave him a few tight slaps that he came to his senses. It didn't particularly help as two more goals went in soon after. John's attempt to repeat the cure in the second half only got him a yellow card, but at least no more goals went in.

Manager Outlook
It's been rumoured that Colo Colo manager Blagoy Antanassov hasn't been spotted in public in months but surely that was him, swathed from head to toe in a black burqa on the bench? I didn't know he'd converted to Islam.

Sidelines
Some fans in the stands were unfurling a giant banner with "Jeffacakes" scrawled all over it in bright red ink. God knows what they were referring to.

Ferencvárosi TC 3 – 2 Monaco AS

Goals
Fricassee: Keane 24', Sahar 44', Murcela 60'
Monaco: Bloudek 60', Johnson 90'

MoTM - Pienaar (Fricassee)

Comments
Haha Monaco! What's that about winning promotion. Suck on this! The game was effectively over by half time. If this goes on, Monaco will find themselves in relegation trouble. Fricassee had trouble finishing them off too, so it isn't all daisies with the home side either.

Manager Outlook
They should have left a camera of Monaco manager Yu's face throughout the game. Seeing his face go through every conceivable shade of red as the match wore on was worth cable tv by itself.

Number Jumble
What was going on with Lagrell's number 0 jersey? What's this? Amateur football?

Sidelines
We spotted a dinosaur mascot in the stands. No, wait that's just Fricassee manager Tomlinson's girlfriend.

Celtic FC 1 - 2 Glasgow Rangers FC

Goals -
Celtic: Borthwick 84'
Glasgow: Jagnjic 08', Restrepo 60'

MoTM - Mihajlovic (Glasgow)

Comments
An old firm derby! What can you expect? Torn noses, broken limbs, missing teeth, great popcorn. Glasgow won this one, but the fighting was way more interesting than the scoreline.

Manager Outlook
Both managers spent more time flashing V-signs at the fans and fobbing off rather than coach the game. The players didn't mind in the slightest as all hell broke loose.

Name Game
Jair Dirlemis Restrepo's parents must have been having a right laugh when they named him. Else they were rip-roaringly drunk. Poor JDR.

Clown
Celtic captain Luis Figo must have thought he was in a boxing match as he started exchanging blows with Lazar Doknjas. Even after he was sent off, he still thought it prudent to run back on in the dying minutes of the game to continue the fight. Doknjas was sent off too by the ref so that the two could continue settling scores outside the field of play.

Olimpija 2 - 2 Colo Colo

Goals -
Olimpija: Svensson 48', Dimitrov 56'
Colo2: Abuda 06', Aguilar 90'

MoTM - Vázquez (Olimpija)

Comments
Fighting draw between two evenly matched teams. If there’s one thing Colo2 can take away from this game, it’s that they need more players with one word names. Aguilar, Abuda... What next? Aguilera?

Manager Outlook
Olimpija manager Maurinho was seen sitting in between both benches, barking instructions at both teams. The Colo2 manager must have outsourced his job. Smart guy.

Clown
Olimpija’s Andrea Pirlo promised his mom that he would get her a souvenir. He didn’t disappoint, snagging the referee’s underpants and getting a red card for his efforts. Nice wedgie though.

Sidelines
Former Boca Junior’s manager Evgy was spotted in the stands wearing Olimpija colours and trying to finish a keg of beer all by himself.

Sao Paulo 0 – 4 Lazio SS

Goals -
Lazio: Paponi 18’ 27’, Smith 24’, Wahid Ibn-Qurmeau 75’

MoTM - Paponi (Lazio)

Comments
Sao Paulo’s manager Jefferson commented before the game that his player’s had been practicing at the beaches before the match. It certainly showed, not with great technical silky football skills, but the way they kept slipping and sliding and falling over on solid ground. Lazio took advantage.

Captain Outlook
Two extremes. SP’s Jefferson was one of the worst players on the pitch, while Lazio’s Smith was one of the best. Rumour has it that Jefferson was elected club captain not because of his leadership potential or footballing ability but by virtue of the size of his schlong.

Name Game
With a name like his, it’s a wonder Al Yo Wahid Ibn-Qurmeau doesn’t get stopped at security checkpoints everytime. That great bushy beard probably doesn’t help and it’s not surprising SP’s goalkeeper elected to duck for cover when AYWIQ took a shot at goal in the 75th minute.

Ajax Amsterdam AFC 5 - 0 Dnipro Dnipropetrowsk

Goals -
Ajax: Sundin 09’, Baştürk 22’, Boubacar 28’, Mavroudes 30’ 36’

MoTM - Mavroudes (Ajax)

Comments
Total domination from Ajax as they scored 5 goals in the first half, then went off for lunch in the second, leaving only 3 players and their goalkeepers on the pitch. Still the Dodgy Dudes couldn’t score.

Manager Outlook
Ajax manager Davies looked absolutely bored, and it was no surprise that he left with the majority of his squad at half time, saying that it was going to be on him. In contrast, Dodgy manager Shrug was seen typing away furiously on a laptop, tongue out and paying no attention to the game.

Strange Happenings
Black graffiti was found on the walls of Amsterdam Arena before the start of the game. No one could figure out why someone had scrawled ‘SSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM’ in black ink. It made absolutely no sense at all.

Clown
Even with 4 against 11, Ajax were still too good. Feeling sorry for the Dodgy Dudes, Vidarsson told the referee to send him off. Still didn’t make a difference.

Etoile du Sahel 2 - 2 Barcelona FC

Goals -
Etoile: Carrera 70’, Silhavy 80’
Barcelona: Mah...jc 14’, Arzubiaga 56’

MoTM - de Souza Faria (Barcelona)

Comments
4 goals, but literally nothing exciting to talk about. Okay apart from the fact that Etoile somehow sounds more like a Colombian drug cartel than a football club.

Name Game
I swear Mah...jc keeps scoring just to irritate me.

Sidelines
Etoile once again brought along their cannibal dancing girls. But since there were no cheerleaders to eat this time round, they started picking each other off. At the end, there was just one really fat, snoozing lady left.